Coming back to Camfel has been like a breath of fresh air.
The past few years has been a struggle. Everything has been a struggle, I couldn't feel the freedom Grace was supposed to give me. I felt like a failure at even the most simplest things. I ignored God in such a way that I never even asked "Why" when things went wrong because I took it all upon myself. I knew I was living my own life the way I wanted to. I wondered a lot of the time, "What could any of this pain and struggle teach me?" I started to feel like because of my non-belief and because of my unwillingness to learn from my mistakes, God was just going to keep putting me through the ringer. I didn't have the trust to know that all these things would come to a place where later I could say, "I see what you were doing there."
When I flew out to LA I knew this was different. I could feel it deep down, I was going to remember all of this. Things were going to happen that would stay with me. I arrived in LA and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. The memories, the shows we did, the travels. All of it flooded back and I knew this was going to be a year of change for me.
Training started, I got hurt. My hip popped out and popped back in the wrong way... leaving me in a lot of pain and with Vicodin. The feelings I had felt before were being questioned. They wouldn't keep me around if I was injured. After a week 1/2 of physical therapy and a serious want to not be on the injured list, I recovered. In the meantime during that time I had the pleasure of meeting a group of girls that God obviously brought together for a reason. We're all different in a lot of ways, but we all have passion. The way we would talk about God was so different then anything else I had ever experienced. Because it was real. It wasn't the , "God is good and I'm always happy and never down." We shared our hearts and really laid it out there, really hitting on the fact that we aren't perfect and we mess up and life can be messy, but God is still good. The realization that the the past few years have been a struggle is because when God brings something so beautiful into your life after so many personal failures.... you can't help but see God in it.
God had me struggle because He knew that no other way would get to me. If he gave me the perfect life, I wouldn't understand what it was to know the depths of despair. I wouldn't have the experiences that shape me into who I am now without those. He knew I wasn't going to trust in Him long before I did but He knew all of it would bring me here. I had control for so long, that when I was hurt, I gave up that control to God because I knew I couldn't fix it or make it better and I didn't have a plan past this.I always have a "plan". I always know, "If this doesn't work out, I can just go here." Not this time, I didn't have anything past this.
I let God in and He moved some stuff. Mostly my heart. He gave me something I honestly thought I would never encounter. A man, after God's heart, with struggles, with a sense of humor, with amazing hair. He's honest, funny, full of life and he's not afraid of speaking God's truth. And he wants to protect my heart. It's almost like God is saying to me, "Even though you decided to take life into your own hands, I still had your heart in mind, even when you were out destroying it, I had this planned for you, because I love you."
Traveling in Ohio hasn't been the easiest. There are times of frustration and fun, also times of boredom. “Your true traveler finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty-his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.” – Aldous Huxley I accept boredom in the van with nothing but cornfields rather easily. Granted, there are times where we find signs like "Slaughter Hill Rd." and I begin to wonder if this is the beginning of a horrible horror movie. But I've had a lot of time to think about God, where my life is, where my heart is. And I start to see God in all of it. Once I let control go and let God have it, He moved quickly, almost as if He had been waiting for so long He was ready at the second. I start to see that all these struggles in my life have brought me here because without them I wouldn't know what freedom actually IS. How it feels, how it moves, how it swallows you up and amazes you.
Our tour takes us through Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey and Maryland for the next few weeks, I'll have photos up on my other blog http://burninmyheart.wordpress.com/ or my tumblr http://rhubz.tumblr.com/
But for now I'll leave you with my friend Angie's blog post about giving up everything (which many of us Camfelians do) and just following God . That girl makes my heart happy :)
http://brightestdiamond.tumblr.com/post/7216302147/giving-up-everything-and-putting-your-faith-in
