Crazy for a bigger purpose?

It's been.. A long time.
A lot has happened, changed. Jobs end, boy leaves, I move, life happens.

I'm starting to feel the spiral- the anxiousness that comes with new possibilities but one's that I have to patient for. I want life to start NOW, but I have to wait.

Today, at Barnes and Noble a book was read. It's a book of great controversy and wild ideas (or questions, if you really read it) "Love Wins" by Rob Bell is basically a book filled with questions, and Scripture. He makes you question-everything. Ideas, thoughts and questions that, I"m sure, almost all people ask themselves daily. Who is Jesus? What is His plan? What does the Bible really mean? Who get's into heaven? Who get's into hell and why!? NBD.
Coming from where I'm coming from. A place of current uncertainty and questions. This is what I took away form the book- there was a lot of scripture, and a lot of "Interpreting" scripture.. that- I"m not concerned with. Not the Scripture, but the need of it so he can defend the "answers" he's giving ( in all honesty, nothing is EVER answered, everything is just put out there to make you think, how controversial... apparently)

The first thing that got me was he started talking about accepting Christ, and what that is to certain groups of people. For some it's a "sinner's prayer", it's a "coming to Christ prayer" it's a "salvation prayer" it's a "Lord's Prayer". Not to take away from any of those definitions of what it is, but it's almost always done in a highly emotional environment.. either a youth group, youth group convention, a place where the push for acceptance of Christ is so thick in the air you could cut it with a machete. If you accept Christ in those situations, is that a bad thing? NO....is it a little forced (possibly) is it a tad bit purposely done to make an event look successful? (isn't it what we judge "successful" events by?) is it something to be taken seriously (yes) is there usually follow up to these decisions for Christ? (Yea, and No) But the atmosphere, to me, has always been.... fake. Pushed, overwhelming, peer pressuring. If all your friends accept Christ, and you don't... you're out of the "In" group.. the "in" with God, and who wants to feel that? I've always questioned the roller coaster of emotions sermons some youth pastors (and pastors in general) put on. Do I think those sermons are important from time to time (YES)... who doesn't love a deep, invigorating, refreshing worship/sermon session. But, not when it's ALL the time, and at the end of it you peer pressure those into a "personal relationship with God". That's where I find myself questioning the intentions... the meaning behind the words.

Rob also points out the idea of a girl who is SO involved with her "Christian" life.... Church, Bible Study, Christian friends, Christian music, Christian events, Christian EVERYTHING. That it comes to a point where the words, "Grace", "Joy", "Christ" and even "Love" become redundant and meaningless.. the closeness also brings a hindrance.... and that was me.. for so many years... EVERYTHING was church,Christian, bible related.. I couldn't function on the outside of that bubble. I was weird, because I lived in a bubble, not because I was "different" or "strange" but in a bubble that I refused to acknowledge I was in.

"When we hear a certain person say, "I have rejected Christ".... we  must first ask... "Which Christ?" The christ that is presented at anti-gay protests, the christ that protests dead soldiers funerals? The christ that hates anyone who isn't like that person proclaiming that christ? The Christ that I believe in is the Christ that Loves. "It begins with the sure and certain truth that we are loved. That in spite of whatever has gone horribly wrong in our hearts and have spread to the corners of the world. In spite of our sins, failures, rebellion and hardened hearts. In spite of what's been done to us and what we've done to others, God has made peace with us. We are now invited into a new life, without guilt, shame, blame or anxiety. We are going to be fine."
Later in the book- "Jesus calls us to repent, to have our minds and hearts transformed so that we see everything differently. It will require- A Death, A Humbling, A leaving behind of the old mind & at the SAME TIME an Opening up, Loosening our hold, Letting go so that we can Receive, Expand, Find, Hear, See and Enjoy."....... " May you experience this vast, expansive, infinite, indestructible love that has been YOURS all along. May you discover that this love is as wide as the sky & as small as the cracks in your heart no one else knows about. And may you know in the deep of your bones that Love Wins."

To me------ that's everything.. that's it. That's what the Bible, that's what Jesus is all about...... the past 3 years have been me searching.... looking for inspiration..... looking for purpose.... yet. It was there for me all along. That all the crazy, all the ridiculousness, in all the pain, suffering and strife. It's all for a purpose.. grander then my ability to imagine. I've always thought my repentance would be filled with tears, with prostrate positions and a SCREAMING to God... but instead. It's the silence, the listening... a Death. It's the silence, and the being honest that God wants..... with me. All Along.