Fandom.

Thoughts of the week-

·        Being exhausted after a full weekend of dates with the man * Having a fuse at a school shut down power halfway through a show * Being able to fix said problem in a matter of 3 minutes* Maintenance men waiting for us at 6:15am ready to help and bringing us doughnuts afterwards * Quick lunch dates * Bed and Breakfasts * stink bugs* sleeping in till 6:30 am * FB chat dates * Pandora * A Full 8 hours of sleep and still feeling tired* Sincere prayers * Cold War Kids* Un-organization* GPS magic * Pandora* Dead Blackberry Scare * Pit Stops to see other boys* Not A Fan* CRAZI NJ Drivers.* Crazy co-worker dancing* Movies during work break on giant screen* Showing mad love to  beautiful co-workers states away* Sleeping in till 9:45* Flickering of eyelids after 8 hours of surgery*Flash Flooding on a NJ Highway

It’s pretty insane how love can make you feel like you can tackle anything. Anything. Any problem, any struggle, any failure, any battle… love has the ability to lift you over all of it and give you the idea you can accomplish any goal. I think that’s why God made it so important, such an important word/emotion. It carries a lot of weight.

  I’ve got to imagine that when we let Jesus love us, that feeling is magnified 100%.. Yet, we never let Him in enough to do that. I’m the first to admit I don’t trust Jesus all the time. “He gives and takes away…” Yea, I feel like He’s usually taking away. People I love, jobs I love, things I want. Yet, the part that’s hardest for me to get is that it’s all done for the betterment of me. It’s all for a better purpose, a bigger purpose, it’s what best for me. Yet, it’s me in the mindset of God being a jerk and taking everything I want/love/think I need away from me. Why are we so insane?

Spent the past weekend (10/7 -10/9 ) at Princeton University. Pretending to be rich kids who happen to be somewhatly intelligent. Walked around campus, taking in the truly beautiful architecture, the Fall colors and the fun shops down Nassu St. At night everything looked like Hogwarts, everything just looked so grand and important. Walking down random hallways, sneaking into buildings, just having fun with each other. Sunday Jake and I just laid out on a blanket and did nothing, just laid there and talked about the future, talked about the present and the past, just being quite with each other. Those are the moments I love the most. Those are the moments I take in the most and replay in my head.  I like to think we have a unique story. The way we met, the way God brought us together on the same coast, how many times we’ve met up on the road, I feel like we have it good right now. It actually feels like we’re in a “normal” relationship, while at the same time feeling the burn of separation and not having the freedom to see each other whenever we want. Yet, on the blessed side of things, we get to see each other on such a “normal” basis, I actually feel like I know him. In the good, honeymoon feeling of the beginning of a relationship and the bad, crabby, punch you in the face moments, I feel like we get those, not a lot of Camfel couples can say that. We get the perks of seeing each other often and we also get the challenge and patience from being apart.  

I’m forgetting to soak everything in. I’m forgetting to take in the beautiful moments of driving by hours and hours of open farm fields. I’m forgetting to remember the small things we do, but in the long run end up being the most important memories you can have. It’s becoming almost blurishy now, and I don’t want that. Reading one of my co-workers blogs, he talks about losing that fresh newness feeling with that job. Everything becomes a routine and things start to all jumble together. I don’t want that, and I didn’t want that when I came back. I want everything to be new and refreshing, I know it really isn’t, but I want to look at it all that way. Instead of the thought process of, “wake up, school, drive, eat, sleep”. I want to experience all this and soak it in and not just drift through it.

I started missing friends and family yesterday. This isn’t to say I don’t miss everyone on a regular basis, but yesterday was one of those days that I felt the homesickness come on strongly.  I started feeling confined by this job because I can’t just take off whenever I’d like to and see friends. Thankfully I was able to let go of the that feeling of confinement and just remembered this is what I signed up for. I signed up for missing my family, missing my friends. I very willingly signed up for this.

Reading, “Not a Fan”, by- Kyle Idleman. I’m in love. There’s no sugar coating, there’s no making it easy. Part of the intro is : “ I will talk more about repentance than forgiveness, more about surrender then salvation, more about brokenness than happiness, and more about death then life. The truth is, if you are looking for a book about following Jesus that lays out a comfortable and reassuring path, you won’t find it here…. I just want to be up-front and let you know there won’t be a lot of free bread.”   That’s what I need. I need it to be up-front and about the ugly side of following Jesus, the hard parts. I feel like a lot of books, a lot of pastors/sermons/podcasts talk a lot about the JOY; which don’t get me wrong, I need that too, but where is the help, the support in the hard stuff. I’ve been in a place for the past couple years that have had me struggling. Struggling to understand what I believe, who Jesus really is in my life, where I belong, even coming to a place of letting go of my faith to do my own thing; while of course putting on the show that made people believe I was the same. I wasn’t. I’m not. The past 6 months have been me rediscovering who Jesus is, what Grace & Peace is all about. What Trust is. What I need to work on, where I’m supposed to be. Yet, a lot of books have been about all the opposite, think of “Chicken Noodle Soup for the Young Adults Soul aka:  soupy cheesy stories that don’t really help me grow. Or let’s actually try to think of books geared twords Young Adults (which, if you know of any, let me know) who are struggling. Most books I read I feel like are geared for people at least 10 years older than me. People who have it figured out, have families, careers yet these years are the most important in EVERYONES lives. You figure out what you want to do with the rest of our lives, who we end up marrying, what we believe, yet there isn’t a whole lot geared twords us. I’ve always been crazy frustrated with that. WE as communities of young people struggle, some of us make it out, some of us don’t…. but where are the ones who have? No one has it figured it, no one is done with the growing. But, where are the books with the stories that help each other know we aren’t alone? Anyways, this book makes me feel like I’m not alone in the struggle to figure out if this is just an infatuation, if I’m just an admirer of Jesus or if I’m an actual follower.

Keep prayers for my Grandma and my family going, she came out of surgery, some complications but things are looking up.