Fandom.

Thoughts of the week-

·        Being exhausted after a full weekend of dates with the man * Having a fuse at a school shut down power halfway through a show * Being able to fix said problem in a matter of 3 minutes* Maintenance men waiting for us at 6:15am ready to help and bringing us doughnuts afterwards * Quick lunch dates * Bed and Breakfasts * stink bugs* sleeping in till 6:30 am * FB chat dates * Pandora * A Full 8 hours of sleep and still feeling tired* Sincere prayers * Cold War Kids* Un-organization* GPS magic * Pandora* Dead Blackberry Scare * Pit Stops to see other boys* Not A Fan* CRAZI NJ Drivers.* Crazy co-worker dancing* Movies during work break on giant screen* Showing mad love to  beautiful co-workers states away* Sleeping in till 9:45* Flickering of eyelids after 8 hours of surgery*Flash Flooding on a NJ Highway

It’s pretty insane how love can make you feel like you can tackle anything. Anything. Any problem, any struggle, any failure, any battle… love has the ability to lift you over all of it and give you the idea you can accomplish any goal. I think that’s why God made it so important, such an important word/emotion. It carries a lot of weight.

  I’ve got to imagine that when we let Jesus love us, that feeling is magnified 100%.. Yet, we never let Him in enough to do that. I’m the first to admit I don’t trust Jesus all the time. “He gives and takes away…” Yea, I feel like He’s usually taking away. People I love, jobs I love, things I want. Yet, the part that’s hardest for me to get is that it’s all done for the betterment of me. It’s all for a better purpose, a bigger purpose, it’s what best for me. Yet, it’s me in the mindset of God being a jerk and taking everything I want/love/think I need away from me. Why are we so insane?

Spent the past weekend (10/7 -10/9 ) at Princeton University. Pretending to be rich kids who happen to be somewhatly intelligent. Walked around campus, taking in the truly beautiful architecture, the Fall colors and the fun shops down Nassu St. At night everything looked like Hogwarts, everything just looked so grand and important. Walking down random hallways, sneaking into buildings, just having fun with each other. Sunday Jake and I just laid out on a blanket and did nothing, just laid there and talked about the future, talked about the present and the past, just being quite with each other. Those are the moments I love the most. Those are the moments I take in the most and replay in my head.  I like to think we have a unique story. The way we met, the way God brought us together on the same coast, how many times we’ve met up on the road, I feel like we have it good right now. It actually feels like we’re in a “normal” relationship, while at the same time feeling the burn of separation and not having the freedom to see each other whenever we want. Yet, on the blessed side of things, we get to see each other on such a “normal” basis, I actually feel like I know him. In the good, honeymoon feeling of the beginning of a relationship and the bad, crabby, punch you in the face moments, I feel like we get those, not a lot of Camfel couples can say that. We get the perks of seeing each other often and we also get the challenge and patience from being apart.  

I’m forgetting to soak everything in. I’m forgetting to take in the beautiful moments of driving by hours and hours of open farm fields. I’m forgetting to remember the small things we do, but in the long run end up being the most important memories you can have. It’s becoming almost blurishy now, and I don’t want that. Reading one of my co-workers blogs, he talks about losing that fresh newness feeling with that job. Everything becomes a routine and things start to all jumble together. I don’t want that, and I didn’t want that when I came back. I want everything to be new and refreshing, I know it really isn’t, but I want to look at it all that way. Instead of the thought process of, “wake up, school, drive, eat, sleep”. I want to experience all this and soak it in and not just drift through it.

I started missing friends and family yesterday. This isn’t to say I don’t miss everyone on a regular basis, but yesterday was one of those days that I felt the homesickness come on strongly.  I started feeling confined by this job because I can’t just take off whenever I’d like to and see friends. Thankfully I was able to let go of the that feeling of confinement and just remembered this is what I signed up for. I signed up for missing my family, missing my friends. I very willingly signed up for this.

Reading, “Not a Fan”, by- Kyle Idleman. I’m in love. There’s no sugar coating, there’s no making it easy. Part of the intro is : “ I will talk more about repentance than forgiveness, more about surrender then salvation, more about brokenness than happiness, and more about death then life. The truth is, if you are looking for a book about following Jesus that lays out a comfortable and reassuring path, you won’t find it here…. I just want to be up-front and let you know there won’t be a lot of free bread.”   That’s what I need. I need it to be up-front and about the ugly side of following Jesus, the hard parts. I feel like a lot of books, a lot of pastors/sermons/podcasts talk a lot about the JOY; which don’t get me wrong, I need that too, but where is the help, the support in the hard stuff. I’ve been in a place for the past couple years that have had me struggling. Struggling to understand what I believe, who Jesus really is in my life, where I belong, even coming to a place of letting go of my faith to do my own thing; while of course putting on the show that made people believe I was the same. I wasn’t. I’m not. The past 6 months have been me rediscovering who Jesus is, what Grace & Peace is all about. What Trust is. What I need to work on, where I’m supposed to be. Yet, a lot of books have been about all the opposite, think of “Chicken Noodle Soup for the Young Adults Soul aka:  soupy cheesy stories that don’t really help me grow. Or let’s actually try to think of books geared twords Young Adults (which, if you know of any, let me know) who are struggling. Most books I read I feel like are geared for people at least 10 years older than me. People who have it figured out, have families, careers yet these years are the most important in EVERYONES lives. You figure out what you want to do with the rest of our lives, who we end up marrying, what we believe, yet there isn’t a whole lot geared twords us. I’ve always been crazy frustrated with that. WE as communities of young people struggle, some of us make it out, some of us don’t…. but where are the ones who have? No one has it figured it, no one is done with the growing. But, where are the books with the stories that help each other know we aren’t alone? Anyways, this book makes me feel like I’m not alone in the struggle to figure out if this is just an infatuation, if I’m just an admirer of Jesus or if I’m an actual follower.

Keep prayers for my Grandma and my family going, she came out of surgery, some complications but things are looking up.

Formulas that are obvious, are terrible

I've been re-reading Donald Miller's, "Searching for God Knows What." The first time I read it was the Fall semester of Camfel in 2006. I remember loving it, but it didn't impact me/connect the way it is now. (All quotes are from the book)

  For 2 years I've been waiting for the "formulas" I've come up with, to start working. The first one involves the ideas of non-stop praying, fasting, reading my Bible, being at church, putting on my perfect Christian hat and God will fix my crap. Then there's option 2 which involves ignoring God, emotionally disconnecting from God, church, friends and family, but then God will do something so out of left field and hit me upside the head so hard with a revelation about how to fix everything. Have a cry out to God, fall on my knees Come to Jesus moment and then I can move onto being a fixed happy Christian with no struggles or problems.

Miller writes, "Life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a few steps is rather silly."

 Life is complex. I know that, I experience it on a daily basis. Yet, why am I trying to fit God into this perfect formula with the end result of Him solving all my problems at once? Why do I think my relationship with Him has to look like an algebraic equation?

 This is what I wanted, "Now, there is another recipe! .... "First", she began, you must paint a picture of a great personal misery. You must tell the reader of a time when you failed at something, when you had no control over a situation or dynamic. Second, you must talk about where you are now, and you have control over that situation or dynamic, and how wonderful and fulfilling it is to have control. Third, you must give the reader a three-four step plan for getting from the misery and lack of control to the joy and control you currently have."  That's what I wanted, I wanted to have the struggle, to find the solution and then tell others, "This is how you fix it."

 My story isn't over, life doesn't work like the formula above. I haven't discovered a mystery about God that now sets me up for perfection and joy the rest of my life. I'm GOING to screw something up, again. Not to use it as an excuse for all my mistakes, but that's what we do. We are continually breaking things and ourselves, always failing, forever messy. THAT is when we start to see the beauty and grace. "The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for everybody and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy and His love."

I might not have a dramatic Come back to Jesus moment, I might just have a conversation and leave with a general understanding that my Jesus loves me and that we're in this together, I am not alone and I have to trust and let go of control. Sounds simple enough, because while this life is all in all complex, His love is simple.

 "I have this suspicion, however, that if we are going to get to know God, it is going to be a little more like getting to know a person then practicing voodoo"

Wondering if the struggle means anything

Coming back to Camfel has been like a breath of fresh air.
The past few years has been a struggle. Everything has been a struggle, I couldn't feel the freedom Grace was supposed to give me. I felt like a failure at even the most simplest things. I ignored God in such a way that I never even asked "Why" when things went wrong because I took it all upon myself. I knew I was living my own life the way I wanted to. I wondered a lot of the time, "What could any of this pain and struggle teach me?" I started to feel like because of my non-belief and because of my unwillingness to learn from my mistakes, God was just going to keep putting me through the ringer. I didn't have the trust to know that all these things would come to a place where later I could say, "I see what you were doing there."

When I flew out to LA I knew this was different. I could feel it deep down, I was going to remember all of this. Things were going to happen that would stay with me. I arrived in LA and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. The memories, the shows we did, the travels. All of it flooded back and I knew this was going to be a year of change for me.

Training started, I got hurt. My hip popped out and popped back in the wrong way... leaving me in a lot of pain and with Vicodin. The feelings I had felt before were being questioned. They wouldn't keep me around if I was injured. After a week 1/2 of physical therapy and a serious want to not be on the injured list, I recovered. In the meantime during that time I had the pleasure of meeting a group of girls that God obviously brought together for a reason. We're all different in a lot of ways, but we all have passion. The way we would talk about God was so different then anything else I had ever experienced. Because it was real. It wasn't the , "God is good and I'm always happy and never down." We shared our hearts and really laid it out there, really hitting on the fact that we aren't perfect and we mess up and life can be messy, but God is still good. The realization that the the past few years have been a struggle is because when God brings something so beautiful into your life after so many personal failures.... you can't help but see God in it.

God had me struggle because He knew that no other way would get to me. If he gave me the perfect life, I wouldn't understand what it was to know the depths of despair. I wouldn't have the experiences that shape me into who I am now without those. He knew I wasn't going to trust in Him long before I did but He knew all of it would bring me here. I had control for so long, that when I was hurt, I gave up that control to God because I knew I couldn't fix it or make it better and I didn't have a plan past this.I always have a "plan". I always know, "If this doesn't work out, I can just go here." Not this time, I didn't have anything past this.
I let God in and He moved some stuff. Mostly my heart. He gave me something I honestly thought I would never encounter. A man, after God's heart, with struggles, with a sense of humor, with amazing hair. He's honest, funny, full of life and he's not afraid of speaking God's truth. And he wants to protect my heart. It's almost like God is saying to me, "Even though you decided to take life into your own hands, I still had your heart in mind, even when you were out destroying it, I had this planned for you, because I love you."

Traveling in Ohio hasn't been the easiest. There are times of frustration and fun, also times of boredom. “Your true traveler finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty-his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.” – Aldous Huxley I accept boredom in the van with nothing but cornfields rather easily. Granted, there are times where we find signs like "Slaughter Hill Rd." and I begin to wonder if this is the beginning of a horrible horror movie. But I've had a lot of time to think about God, where my life is, where my heart is. And I start to see God in all of it. Once I let control go and let God have it, He moved quickly, almost as if He had been waiting for so long He was ready at the second. I start to see that all these struggles in my life have brought me here because without them I wouldn't know what freedom actually IS. How it feels, how it moves, how it swallows you up and amazes you.



Our tour takes us through Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey and Maryland for the next few weeks, I'll have photos up on my other blog http://burninmyheart.wordpress.com/   or my tumblr http://rhubz.tumblr.com/ 
But for now I'll leave you with my friend Angie's blog post about giving up everything (which many of us Camfelians do) and just following God . That girl makes my heart happy :)
http://brightestdiamond.tumblr.com/post/7216302147/giving-up-everything-and-putting-your-faith-in

'Comin' Home

To pack up and drive back to I'Falls... was slightly painful.
               Leaving a city that I do love, but am slightly bored with
               Leaving friends that I didn't get enough time with.
   I now have at least  5 hour drive to make it to security events and Sonshine.

Now I'm home, fixing things around the house, cleaning, organizing and preparing for my August 4th flight out to Los Angeles. A journey I took many years ago, except this time it's 5 years later and I like to think I'm much more prepared to take the journey.

I want to spend the summer enjoying the sun, enjoying friends and family. Blogging here and there when things happen, nothing to crazy. But when the journey to California begins I plan on capturing and soaking up every moment.
Photos, blogs, journaling, lot's of documenting of this experience will be happening. Also an experiment-
I want to find out the books that inspire others, and then in turn I read them while on my journey and write about how in this time of my life what those books mean to me and how I interpret them. There's a small chance a book will be written, which sounds VERY almost, pompous of me. " Yea everyone, I"m going to write a book about my experiences while reading other peoples books that inspire them, it's about how I progress spiritually, physically, mentally, financially.. all of it and how these books factor into it at this point in my life)   Sounds crazy. And it is... but. I like this idea, and I like that not only does it "give me something to do" it documents this season of my life in a way that I haven't before. And for someone who forgets the seasons of her life very quickly, I would like to have this year documented for if nothing else,
remembrance sake.

Crazy for a bigger purpose?

It's been.. A long time.
A lot has happened, changed. Jobs end, boy leaves, I move, life happens.

I'm starting to feel the spiral- the anxiousness that comes with new possibilities but one's that I have to patient for. I want life to start NOW, but I have to wait.

Today, at Barnes and Noble a book was read. It's a book of great controversy and wild ideas (or questions, if you really read it) "Love Wins" by Rob Bell is basically a book filled with questions, and Scripture. He makes you question-everything. Ideas, thoughts and questions that, I"m sure, almost all people ask themselves daily. Who is Jesus? What is His plan? What does the Bible really mean? Who get's into heaven? Who get's into hell and why!? NBD.
Coming from where I'm coming from. A place of current uncertainty and questions. This is what I took away form the book- there was a lot of scripture, and a lot of "Interpreting" scripture.. that- I"m not concerned with. Not the Scripture, but the need of it so he can defend the "answers" he's giving ( in all honesty, nothing is EVER answered, everything is just put out there to make you think, how controversial... apparently)

The first thing that got me was he started talking about accepting Christ, and what that is to certain groups of people. For some it's a "sinner's prayer", it's a "coming to Christ prayer" it's a "salvation prayer" it's a "Lord's Prayer". Not to take away from any of those definitions of what it is, but it's almost always done in a highly emotional environment.. either a youth group, youth group convention, a place where the push for acceptance of Christ is so thick in the air you could cut it with a machete. If you accept Christ in those situations, is that a bad thing? NO....is it a little forced (possibly) is it a tad bit purposely done to make an event look successful? (isn't it what we judge "successful" events by?) is it something to be taken seriously (yes) is there usually follow up to these decisions for Christ? (Yea, and No) But the atmosphere, to me, has always been.... fake. Pushed, overwhelming, peer pressuring. If all your friends accept Christ, and you don't... you're out of the "In" group.. the "in" with God, and who wants to feel that? I've always questioned the roller coaster of emotions sermons some youth pastors (and pastors in general) put on. Do I think those sermons are important from time to time (YES)... who doesn't love a deep, invigorating, refreshing worship/sermon session. But, not when it's ALL the time, and at the end of it you peer pressure those into a "personal relationship with God". That's where I find myself questioning the intentions... the meaning behind the words.

Rob also points out the idea of a girl who is SO involved with her "Christian" life.... Church, Bible Study, Christian friends, Christian music, Christian events, Christian EVERYTHING. That it comes to a point where the words, "Grace", "Joy", "Christ" and even "Love" become redundant and meaningless.. the closeness also brings a hindrance.... and that was me.. for so many years... EVERYTHING was church,Christian, bible related.. I couldn't function on the outside of that bubble. I was weird, because I lived in a bubble, not because I was "different" or "strange" but in a bubble that I refused to acknowledge I was in.

"When we hear a certain person say, "I have rejected Christ".... we  must first ask... "Which Christ?" The christ that is presented at anti-gay protests, the christ that protests dead soldiers funerals? The christ that hates anyone who isn't like that person proclaiming that christ? The Christ that I believe in is the Christ that Loves. "It begins with the sure and certain truth that we are loved. That in spite of whatever has gone horribly wrong in our hearts and have spread to the corners of the world. In spite of our sins, failures, rebellion and hardened hearts. In spite of what's been done to us and what we've done to others, God has made peace with us. We are now invited into a new life, without guilt, shame, blame or anxiety. We are going to be fine."
Later in the book- "Jesus calls us to repent, to have our minds and hearts transformed so that we see everything differently. It will require- A Death, A Humbling, A leaving behind of the old mind & at the SAME TIME an Opening up, Loosening our hold, Letting go so that we can Receive, Expand, Find, Hear, See and Enjoy."....... " May you experience this vast, expansive, infinite, indestructible love that has been YOURS all along. May you discover that this love is as wide as the sky & as small as the cracks in your heart no one else knows about. And may you know in the deep of your bones that Love Wins."

To me------ that's everything.. that's it. That's what the Bible, that's what Jesus is all about...... the past 3 years have been me searching.... looking for inspiration..... looking for purpose.... yet. It was there for me all along. That all the crazy, all the ridiculousness, in all the pain, suffering and strife. It's all for a purpose.. grander then my ability to imagine. I've always thought my repentance would be filled with tears, with prostrate positions and a SCREAMING to God... but instead. It's the silence, the listening... a Death. It's the silence, and the being honest that God wants..... with me. All Along.